WORKING IT OUT

we are trying to work it out
well, I am trying to work it out
at least I am trying
I am willing to forgive

but I will never forget
and for years it will tear at me
but I must keep it to myself
for fear that I offend her

my anger
my sadness
my expression of this
me in general
offends her

I am not allowed to be angry
but I am not the one who had an affair
but I am the bad guy

I am not the one who seduced another man's wife
but I am the bad guy
at least in her mind

she has been carrying me
I admit that
perhaps I have taken advantage of her
but I have been working to change that
and it is truly unfortunate that she could not see it

I suppose that it is my fault
for not forcing her to see it
in fact I tried to keep it a secret
I wanted to surprise her

just suddenly one day
here it is sweetheart
just what you wanted
what you thought I would never give you
here it is

and she would smile
she would be happy

but it did not work out that way
instead she thought that I did not care
instead she thought that I was not making the effort

when indeed I was making the effort
I just wanted to surprise her

I love her so much
perhaps too much
certainly more than she will believe
certainly more than she is willing to accept at this moment

it has been five days now
since I discovered her boyfriend
and their cyberspace communications

it is a good thing that she did not know enough
to empty her trash can after deleting his messages
and she writes of her reluctance to delete them
for she so enjoyed reading and re-reading them
his messages made her heart soar
much as I once did
I made her soar once
at least once
but that was too long ago
and in this day and age
it is all about
what have you done for me lately?

apparently I have not done enough

but I am making a serious effort now
though she may wish that I did not
I know that I must continue

I must show her
just how much I love her

I must make her remember
just how much she loves me

if she does love me
if she ever did love me

eight years of marriage
mostly good I thought
and she is ready to throw it away
for a few kind words
from a man she has known only a few months

when we first met
I loved her from the get go
right from the start
I saw her glow
I saw her as the most beautiful of all creatures
and I wanted her
I knew that I had to have her
I knew that she was the one for me
and that I was the one for her
but it took time to convince her

she moved in with me
after just three weeks
and it was another three weeks
before she finally said that she loved me

she said that she needed time to grow in love
and we spent so much time together
we were inseperable
except to go to work
we never were apart
we put in the time

now she says that she loves him
after less than five months
and she only attends a one hour class
once a week with him

but she started putting in more time with him
meeting him after class
him leaving work early to be with her
and her lieing to me about it

I knew that the class ended at eight
she did not come home until after eleven
when I asked her why
she said they were practicing swords late
but I read her message
and now I know that she met him
at a restaurant at eight-thirty

she injured herself one night
and told me it was from martial arts
then I read her message
and now I know that
it was from jumping out of his car
in an excited state

I was so hurt to learn all this
I am still hurt to have learned all this

but I am forbidden to express this hurt
when I am with her
she does not want to hear it
she says that I have been hurting her
for years
she says that this has been coming
for years
but I don't understand
why she did not express it to me
at least not in those terms
at the time

I am angry
I am hurt
but she does not want me to talk about it
not to her
not to anyone
but I must
I must talk about it
or I will go insane
she says that I am already insane
that I have been
for years

she says a lot of things
to hurt me
she says that
it is not to hurt me
but there is no other reason
to say some of those things

this is what I get for loving
a stubborn, vindictive woman

but I can not stop now
I can not walk away
not now

I must try
or I must die
at least a figurative death
but it feels literal

I am trying
though I feel like I am dieing
though I feel like I would prefer dieing
I am making the effort

trying to organize a search party
a rescue team
a salvage operation

attempting to raise the wreckage from the depths
is no easy task
and I can not do it alone

but she just wishes that I would leave her alone
and I just wish that she wanted us to be alone
alone together

well, there are signs of progress
she kissed me today
and I thanked her
and she has not done it since

she is withholding her love from me
though she denies it
she is punishing me
and I must take it like a man
though much of the time
I feel like crying
crying like a little girl

she is right here in the room with me now
she is sleeping
as I am here typing
but I still miss her so much

it is amazing that you can really miss someone
when they are in the same room with you
and holding your hand even

just holding her hand is a great accomplishment
for me now
and it took considerable effort to get that far
but I can not give up now
I must forge ahead

I wish I could trust her
and am so saddened to learn
that she does not trust me

I suppose that may be
because she knows that
she has not been trustworthy
but she has no desire to feel guilty

instead she does her best to make me feel guilty
and she is succeeding

but I am not the one who had an affair
I am not the one who lied
I have been faithful
I have been honest
I have loved her as best I can
and now I am doing my best to step it up
to bring my love to another level

there is no such thing as unconditional love
love always has conditions
there are certain conditions which must be satisfied
in order to acquire love
and there are certain conditions which must be satisfied
in order to sustain love
and there are certain conditions which must never be
in order to secure love

no matter how much love you may feel for a person
there are certain things
whether they be actions or inactions or misplaced words
there are certain things
which violate the conditions of love
and cause the love to be withdrawn or withheld

we are all only human
and we all have our limits
it is just a matter of defining those limits
and remaining within them

she asked me once
what my limits were
I told her I was yet to find out

she asked
how I would react
to discovering her involvement in an affair
and I told her I would leave

she wanted me to leave
so she had an affair

she assures me that there was no sex
and I think it is because
deep down she does not want me to leave
she just wants to punish me

so she assures me that there was no sex
because I had told her
that I could forgive her
if there was no sex
but that if I knew it had gone that far
that I would be gone

so in the back of her mind
she knew that
when the affair began
she knew my limits in this regard
and she set out to test them

and I failed her test
inches away from insanity
seconds away from suicide

but I live
at least for now
the body lives on
the mind lives on
the heart lives on
but just barely

my heart and soul
are on life-support
in critical condition
in need of intensive care

but she is still withholding her love
she hugged me today
and it was so wonderful
she kissed me today
and it was so very good
it was better than great
and I thanked her each time

and each time
I saw some anger in her
anger at herself
for slipping up
for not withholding
as is her plan
to punish me

she is my wife
and I love her so very much

I hope that she knows this
I hope that she believes me
when I tell her this
I hope she knows that
they are not just words

they are real feelings
they are honest feelings
and they are all for her
and her alone
alone with me
as husband and wife should be
together
until death do us part

- S. Marvin Tuomala, May 5, 2004