TOILET HUMOR

Maybe he was some frustrated artist
a tortured soul with no other means of expression
or a consumer terrorist raging against the corporate machine
or a comedian of extremes
but we just called him the "Shit Bandit"

I had heard a rumor in my first week at work
something about "that motherfucker on Fridays"
what was this?
the story emerged that we had our own franchise terrorist
every Friday morning, just after the opening rush
one of our customers was leaving us a surprise
We knew he was male
because it was always left in the Men's room

my first encounter was puzzling
it occured to me that this was more than just
someone with a serious coprophilia fetish
someone with an extreme sense of scatological humor
an artist with fecal matter the preferred media

I was told that I had to clean up a mess in the men's room
"You're going to need a bucket of diluted bleach."
OK, great....
I can't wait to see this...

and what I saw was art
I found drawn on the wall
opposite the toilet stall door
a rectangle approximately 2 feet by 1 and a half
finger painted with fecal matter
smeared with care and attention to detail
it was modern art
a rectangle with a distinct edge about it
the body wiped on in a side to side stroke
and an "X" crossed through the center
from corner to corner

There was a small amount of splatter on the floor as well
but for the most part this was a well crafted work of art
I wished I had a camera
I sat down on the toilet with the stall door open
and just stared at it for a few minutes
said a silent "Thanks" for having been given an additional break
I would milk it for as much time on the clock as I could

when I finished removing his masterpiece
and returned to my normal duties
the manager commented to me
"Well, it took you long enough."
and I replied
"Did you want to clean it up?
Maybe you can show me how to do it right."
insubordination is fun, but selfdestructive
good luck getting a raise that way

My second encounter with this artist
I was again told that it was my turn to clean up his exhibition
take down his installation
remove his masterpiece from public attention

and in the men's room I found
once again on the same wall
in the same spot
was a spot with twin circumscribing circles
and a large spray where the artist took aim at the target
a new work of art
I thought it was brilliant
I didn't enjoy cleaning it off the wall
for reasons other than the obvious unpleasant nature
of this human manure and it's distinctive aroma
I really wanted to leave it there
not because I didn't want to clean it
but rather because I could appreciate it's artistic nature
an expression of anger and disgust
but with a sense of the absurd
a mad mad man restrained only by humor

again I took my sweet time back from the monster to whom I had sold it
and upon returning to my more clearly defined job description
I was told by the manager
"You can take your lunch break now."
Yeah, thanks....
I just spent half an hour in a small enclosed space with bleach fumes
as I scrubbed human feces out of tile grout
and I have six more hours to go on my shift
yeah, I want to take my break now
and eat my free meal of processed foodstuffs
this isn't my taste it's necessity
I eat here for basic survival
to supplement my ramen regimine
the food is hardly appetizing at best
even more so once you know how it is made
and after you've seen the finished product
put through the cycle, recycled and
put on display in public as art

By my third encounter
my mysterious friend, the artist
had become more abstract
but still with a strong sense of the absurd

It was an amazing mess
"You're going to need a mop"
I was told
and I thought
"great what has he done now"

I was in awe of the spectacle
awaiting me in the men's room
fecal matter was EVERYWHERE
splattered on every surface of the room
on all the walls
all over the floor
on the ceiling even - still dripping
it was on the sink and mirror
and on the door handle as well
there was no escape

and there in the midst of all this excrement
sitting there sparkling clean
pristine
was the toilet
not a single mark on it
though there was excrement on the wall behind it

my best guess is that
he must've shoved his head in the bowl
spread his cheeks wide
and exploded

it took me over two hours to clean the mess
and at one point the manager found me
walking around outside in the parking lot
in a daze
"Hey, what are you doing out here? Did you finish cleaning that?"
"I'm catching my breath" I said
"Do you want to check on the quality of my work?"
insubordination is just irresistable sometimes
but is often taken into consideration by management
when drawing up the weekly work schedule

Now this had been happening every Friday
and another employee and I were the two assigned to take care of it
we traded off every other week
and when it came time for my fourth turn
I turned around and walked out
I saw it first, and told no one
when confronted by the manager
I refused to clean it
She said
"Do you want to be sent home early?"
I said
"Are the checks ready?"
"Yes."
"Cool, I can go now."
and with check in hand I went to get drunk
very very drunk

the next morning I threw my alarm clock across the room at 4:30
it was either too early or ten minutes too late
either way I wasn't getting out of bed except to vomit
and when the manager called at 10 and said
"Are you coming in today?"
I said "No, I don't think so."
"You do realize this means you are fired, right?"
"Sure, I'll be by to pick up my check on Monday."
"But the payroll won't be ready until Friday, you know that."
"I also know the law. You fired me, that means I get paid early."

after hanging up the phone
I lay there in bed staring at the stucco ceiling
and thinking about the next poor bastard
who will have to clean up the mess made by
some mad artistic genuis
and I wonder if he will get the joke
and be able to laugh at himself
there knee deep in it
of course it is more likely
that he will look at the next exhibition
and think to himself
"That's not art,
That's SHIT!"

- Marvin Scott Marvin, 2005