SHE IS WITH HIM NOW

I have been betrayed
I just found out today
I have been betrayed by my wife
and my best friend
for they are one and the same

she has already left me
but I was not informed
I had to snoop
I had to pry
I had to find the email in her trash

Last night I wanted to hug her
I asked her if I could
she said she would rather that I didn't

now I know why
she was too busy writing messages to her lover

she writes that he is her angel
I was her angel once
but he is her archangel

she writes that he is so near her heart
(and other organs)
which places him in the position I once occupied

she swears that they have not had sex
but I don't believe her

last week when she was on vacation
she rented a hotel room
said that she need some alone "me" time
and though I have read her message to him
in which she writes that the time she spent with him
was the best part of her vacation
and she writes of sitting on his lap and kissing him
and I am expected to believe her
when she claims they have not had sex

am I that stupid?
obviously she is that brash

I made a mistake in calling Lawena
her best friend
I just wanted to know if she knew
what had been going on behind my back
Lawena says that all she knew was that we were having problems
that Jen was angry that I am not motivated
but I am motivated
motivated by fear
mostly by the fear of displeasing Jen
so Lawena called Jen
and Jen called me
and said she was coming home
I didn't want that
I wanted to be alone with my grief
I don't need any more lies

she says that she will give it one more try
but how can she
if what she told him in those messages is true
it will never work out for us
she must be with him
in order to be happy
I don't want to keep her if she is unhappy
I don't want to have a long loveless marriage

I have always been faithful
I had opportunities many times in the first few years
and even when things were bad between us
I restrained myself
I stayed lonely
and hoped that she would love me again
and I suppose for a time she did

I really want nothing more right now
than to have her hug and kiss me
but I can not accept it
it is a lie
a falsehood
a sham
and I don't want to live in a sham marriage

I am devestated
I am crushed

I try to shut down
try not to cry
try not to scream
but it is like trying to put a cork in a volcano

she is with him now
right now

she had plans to meet him today
at First Creek where we have gone so many times together
I don't think that I can ever go there again

she is with him now
right now

she had to see him
face to face
she swears that she will never see him again

but they are both students at Lohan School of Shaolin

"but he only takes one class there" she says

I can not stop her from going
I want to go to the classes too
but I can not
first because I can not afford it
and I do not want her to pay for it
and now because she has forbidden it
"that is MY place" she says

everything is her's
what is mine?
the house
hers
the truck
hers
the family
hers
the bank account
hers
the dogs
hers
everything is hers

Shenn Co is hers too
she told him that she wants to focus on the business now
and she has been angry at me for not focusing on the business
but I could use some help
she did not want to give it
I think she wanted me to fail
she has been setting me up to fail

hmmmmmmm.....
how about real estate
and when he fails at that I can dump him

I am so sick to my stomach
I am so tired
and my chest is flooded with pain

Jen forbade me long ago
from having any contact with my ex-girlfriends
I can use all the friends I can get
and she eliminated them for me
I had no choice
I suppose I could have kept it secret
like she has done to me

but that is not what I wanted
I wanted her
so I chose her

I have been her slave ever since
but she is through with me
wishes to be rid of me

I love her so much
I want to kill myself
I think of it as a favor to her
she would benefit
from the life insurance
and she could sell the house

and then she could be with her archangel
and I could burn in hell

sometimes I want to kill her
and him too
murder-suicide-love-triangle
how very American

I was crying earlier
and she told me to be strong
she should be glad that I was acting
like a scared little, bitch-ass pussy
if I was any stronger
she would be dead
and him as well

If I hadn't told Lawena
I could've done them in
I still could
I could make her death look like an accident

but I don't want to
its just my anger talking
and I am so full of talk
and so lacking of action
pathetic

I understand why she wants to leave me
I would leave me too
I suck

and I have tried so hard to be positive
now I'm just positive that she hates me
she has hated me for years

and now she has found her escape
and I am just a stumbling block
along her escape route
a minor hitch in her getaway plan

she told him as much in her messages
she said she is in trouble
she said she must be careful
but she can't help herself
she must be with him

and she is with him now
and here I wait for her to return
if she ever does

maybe she will return with him
and they can finish the job of murdering me

she already ripped my heart out
but I'm too far in shock to die
so they need to finish the job
finish me off

murder my love
stifle my heart
snuff out my light

I know that I only feel that I can't go on
and I know that I will go on
I will have to go on without her
I will have to go on for me

am I worth it?
I don't know
I sure don't feel it at this moment
not sitting here now
knowing that she is with him now

- S. Marvin Tuomala, May, 2004