PEOPLE ON EBAY ARE DEPENDING ON ME

I get very lonely because I miss my wife so much
today I wanted to shoot myself
but I realize there are people on eBay who are depending on me

now I realize that I fucked around too much today
just obsessing over my long gone wife
being a stupid ass and calling her stupid ass
breaking down and crying all over again

what a fucking waste of time that was
another one for the big book of "oh, wells"
so what, so I look weak
I care not how I appear to others
I care only what I hold dear to my heart
I care for the truth and honesty
I care for love and beauty
I care for peace and tranquility
I care for myself and my wife

I am concerned for her
whether she wants to believe it or not
she has poor judgement
especially when it comes to the character of other people
she certainly misjudged me
and we lived together for almost nine years!

I just looked in the mirror and remembered that
women would kill to have my lip color
Jen used to obsess about it
my lips just naturally have a bright color to them
it looks as if I am wearing lipstick when I am not

Jen used to ask me why I had to be so cute
I used to say that I had to be this cute in order to keep her
and I suppose she started to believe me
I know she started to resent me
I know she wanted me to start working
but I was working
I was working on my real estate career
which has come to a screaching halt
since the break up
I can't think about it
I had to get a real paying job type job right away
so I went back to the research gig
not too shabby at $9.50 an hour to start
working nights it's cake work
a little on the mind numbing side
but that might be a good thing
just need to get my mind off the wife
its difficult to do my job if I think too much of her
I can't perform the job if I get choked up
so I just gotta remember that she is being a stupid bitch
I am being a man
I am doing the best I can
and I will survive the storm
eventually the weather will clear
and the sun will shine for me once more
I just have to ride it out

man, what have I come to?
here I am at 10:13PM on a Saturday
for all intents and purposes I am a single man
yet here I sit typing at the keys
thinking of a woman who despises me
a woman who is so desperate to be rid of me
that she is willing to go $50,000 deeper into debt to do it
wow, that is some heavy shit
if I do say so myself
I mean, what the fuck?!

As April opened
she loved me and told me so
but it soon turned sour
with that first email on the eleventh
"Paul, rocks! Paul, rocks!" she said
I will never forget that
fucking bitch!
getting sly with another guy
and thinking she can pull it off under my nose
right from our bedroom?
stupid fucking bitch
she will wake up one day
she is just going through her midlife crisis
and thinks that being free of our marriage is the key to her happiness
but she has said numerous times,
"you never know, we might get back together in a couple of years after we've divorced."
now, why would you divorce if you thought there was some chance of reconciliation?
and why would you reconcile
or how could you reconcile like that
with someone who has left you like that?
I guess I'm asking myself
I can't ask her
because she doesn't want to talk to me if I want to talk to her
and she can't admit anything in favor of working it out with me now
so basically she is telling me that
in a couple of years
after she has worked through her midlife crisis
she might be in the mood to work it out with me
for a year or so until she feels like being free again
what the fuck?!
god, how I hate that bullshit
if you love me set me free
I will return if it is meant to be
fuck you, I call bullshit on that one
that is just an excuse to run off and fuck other people without guilt
until you get your fill or no one else will have you
then you will come back saying our love is real
because you know that on my part it is
but I will know yours to be false
and though I may welcome you back
I will always be wary
and that is sad
that is the saddest thing about this
that the trust has been broken
I still love Jen so much
but I can't trust her now
I can't stand that
I want to trust her
and if she came home tomorrow I would
but not if she comes home in two years or so

what the hell
here I am stoned and alone
got this house to myself
and it doesn't mean shit

I suppose I will go out tonight
Royce has put me on the guest list at OPM
I went a few weeks back but it wasn't right
it was too soon for me to be going out
I had removed my wedding ring
because Jen doesn't wear hers
but I have this habit of playing with my wedding ring
I just rub it with my thumb
and I kept reaching for it and it wasn't there
and that made me sad
so I started crying
there I was sitting on a bench behind Royce and Romeo as they played percussion
and I started crying
I had to leave
I stood myself up as best I could and made my way outside
by the time I got to the car the tears were streaming and I was screaming
I had left a club packed with hundreds of beautiful women
to scream and cry about one girl who can't stand me
what the fuck, indeed!
so, maybe I will give it another try tonight
it's still early yet
only 10:36

- S. Marvin Tuomala, June 19, 2004