MISTAKES WERE MADE

I love my wife
but
I made the mistake of letting her know it
mistakes were made
mistakes on my part
the mistake of being honest
the mistake of trying to please her
the mistake of trusting her
were any lessons learned?
be less trusting
be more reserved
be less honest
be more secretive
be less affectionate
be more aggressive
be less accommodating
be more selfish
be less afraid
be more decisive
shoot for the moon
or aim for the stars beyond
because cloud nine will disapate
and you'll plummet back to earth
I would rather miss my target
and be lost in the void of endless space
than to return here
for that crash landing
heaven on earth is only temporary
hell on earth can last an eternity
we build our own prison
with criminal intent
crimes of passion
crimes of the heart
all is fair in love and war
both result in casualties
my collaterally damaged heart
applies for veterans benefits
only to be denied for service during time of peace
budget cuts at the ministry of love
force me to hold back the pain
and self-medicate
this is my confession
I am a murderer
I loved a woman to death
my death
I've been dead about a year now
a zombie on the street
just waiting for my head shot
to put me out of my misery
I'll feast on your brain tonight
to slake my thirst for life
to satiate this hunger for some meat to the matter
some cruel necromancy
keeps me from the peace I seek
I'm dead but I won't drop
there's nothing wrong with me
that some good pussy can't make worse
it could be worse
it could always be worse
of course
(off course, one more letter and I've lost my way again)
it could be better
it could always be better
he pulled the plug early
because it couldn't get any better
there's nothing wrong with her
that three days of being married to me can't fix
the left hand doesn't know what the right hand does
that's how I got this gun to my head
this needs fixing
and I couldn't find a better tool
just gut the works
and start from scratch
outline the corpse
before filling in the details
if it's just a matter of paperwork
I'll leave you a note of explanation
there's nothing wrong with me
that a good woman can't make worse
I made the mistake of marrying a good woman
I made the mistake of having feelings
I made the mistake of being honest
I made the mistake of sharing this with you
but that's OK
I'll just pretend this is a joke
or a metaphor
I'll say that
you just don't get it
but that's fine anyway
I'll be dead by the time you read this
but don't get me wrong
this is not a suicide note
it's a love poem
because I love my life
this is a posthumous declaration
of that love
see, already I have learned
to apply the lessons learned
from mistakes made
I have learned that the truth
is often mistaken
and over-rated
I have learned that love
is not as big as it's made out to be
for it is easily lost
and also over-rated
I have learned that life is long
and painful
even more so when you can't die
I have learned that immortallity is over-rated
I have learned that if my life were an open book
I would have skipped ahead to the end already
and after talking with ghosts
I have learned that the peace of death
is also over-rated
so I'm stuck in limbo
an endless time loop
I watch myself die every night
my gray matter splattered
across the wall
but a new day keeps creeping in here
and I find myself once more
standing up to it
facing another one
taking it like a man
feeling like a corpse
thinking like a zombie
making more mistakes

- S. Marvin Tuomala, 2005