IT HAS COME TO THIS

So it has come to this
I must destroy what I love
I must return to hatred
I must harden my heart
harden my heart against the wife whom I love

I must harden my heart against her
in preparation for the worst

like the fool that I am
I still do hope for the best
but I must prepare for the worst

I must prepare for her departure from my life
I must prepare for my life of solitude

I hate everyone now
for no particular reason
I just do

my love has been betrayed
my trust has been shattered

I must harden my heart
I must grow to hate the woman I love
if I am to survive

I must grow strong
alone
I must be alone

I must learn to suspect everyone
I must never trust anyone ever again

I must go away

I must shut down this hurt I feel inside
I must deny my pain
I must convert that pain to hatred
hatred for all mankind

I will become a great success
and share it with none

I must keep to myself
I must keep my thoughts to myself
I must keep my feelings to myself
I must keep entirely to myself

the simple truth is that
all I want right now is a hug from my wife
and maybe a few kisses
but that is denied me
and will be denied to me indeffinitely
and I can not hold on
not in suspense
not waiting for the other shoe to fall

I can not stand this
I can not stand to be in the same room with her
not when she denies me her love
not when I know that she made plans with another man
plans which did not include me
so I must not include her in my plans

I must make plans
plans for my life alone

I will never trust again
it will hurt
and it will fester inside me
and I will die alone
probably from cancer
due to holding all this in

maybe I can write it all away
maybe I can write myself a cure for this cancer
this cancer upon my marriage
this cancer upon my soul

I will try
I will succeed
and I will do it alone

I have tried to release my anger
but I know now that I need it
I need my anger in order to survive

I need to stay angry at my wife
I need to keep it from her
I need to keep silent
I need to ignore her
I need to live my life as if I were always alone

I must remember what is so good about being alone
I must re-learn to enjoy being alone

I must remember to cherish my freedom

she said that this
her having an affair
is the best thing to happen to our relationship
because now I am afraid
because now I am motivated
because now I value our marriage

how little she understands me
I was always afraid
but I am no longer afraid
for my fears have already come to pass
she has already left me in her heart

yes, I am motivated
I am motivated to show her that
I do not need her
for anything
least of all for my happiness and success

and now
I see little value in our marriage
and it diminishes with each hour
as she withholds her love from me

I will grow strong
in the absence of her love
I will learn to do without
without her love
without her companionship
without her

she may think that she has gained the upper hand with me
but she is losing me entirely

I will not wait
I will plan ahead
I will think only of me

I will resist all weakness
I will be strong

I will not call her sweetheart
I will not try to touch her
I will not try to kiss her
I will not tell her that I love her

I will deny her
I will deny my heart
I will deny my pain

I will grow strong
alone
and free
and I will learn to enjoy it
I will learn to be happy again
on my own again

I will survive
alone
without her
without love from anyone

I will do without
without love
without companionship
without conversation
without any outside help
without any outside influence

I will write
and I will be a success
I will publish
and I will be what I had always dreamed
but alone

- S. Marvin Tuomala, May 2004