I MUST CONFESS...

I must confess my sins
I am failing
I am failing on too many fronts
I am falling too short
I am feigning success in the hopes that it will inspire real success
I am frustrated by my seeming inability to interact with normal society
I need to succeed at something
I will succeed at something
what will it be?
I'm trying for too many things
and so far failing at all of them
even failing at love it would seem
my failures are mounting
and she can bear no more
I must lighten her load
I must give her a chance at the good life

if I were gone she could
drop me from her insurance
stop having to pay my debts
find a well off man who loves her
create the paradise we talked about in Arizona
she could sell the house in Vegas
and build a new life in AZ
without me

she could do it without me
I really haven't been enough help
I have been a drain
a heavy weight to be dragged along
a symbol of oppression
an object of scorn

even I hate myself now
I know how low I am now
I know how low to go
I know now I have got to go

its over

I just want it to be OK
I just want us to be happy again
I ...

(...could not finish this line of thinking.)

Great Spirit, I come to you now
I come to you now Great Spirit in the spirit of thanksgiving
I thank you Great Spirit
I thank you for having brought me this far
I ask that you carry me further and farther
and I thank you for your mercy and generosity
I thank you for granting unto me the insight necessary to my success
I thank you for gracing me with the wisdom necessary to implement my knowledge to increase my success
I thank you for blessing me Great Spirit
I thank you
amen

- S. Marvin Tuomala, April 21, 2004