ABREACTION

It's not easy to be completely honest
about a past littered with guilt, regret, embarassment, and shame
yes, I am almost ashamed to tell you this
but I must
I woke up early today just for this
the phone ringing at ten after ten
the chiropracic clinic calling for my ex-wife
"I'm sorry, but Jen no longer lives at this number"
I started to cry, it was stupid
it was the thought of her
there in doctor Anderson's office
sitting on her new man's lap
just as she had sat with me so many times
I can only guess at what she might tell them
when asked where I am
I'm home in bed
crying alone and
thinking about my ex-wife
thinking about my life
wondering how much more must I endure
only the strong survive, brother
only the strong survive
you know my brother called the other day
he had been looking at my website
reading what I had written during the last year
during the darkest moments of my divorce
"You were really messed up, weren't you?"
he says, "But you're doing better now, right?"
only half lieing I say "yes, doing better every day"
lead into gold, brother
lead into gold
the fires of change burn away my impurities
just as I tried to use drugs to burn away the memories
only the strong survive, brother
only the strong survive
and for what I've survived I should be awarded a metal
or an engraved plaque, it's commendable
lead into gold, brother
lead into gold
years ago my older sister began to refer to me as "the golden boy"
because in her eyes, out of the four of us siblings
I was the one who had it the easiest
for I got beat the least
and I was "mom's favorite"
I got beat the least because
I learned how to make myself invisible
and I wonder if she ever asked why I was mom's favorite
"the golden boy"
lead into gold, brother
lead into gold
a friend recently picked up on that appelation
and began to use it to indicate that he is jealous of my position in life
but he only sees a particular moment
yes, I do have my own business with thousands of dollars in the bank
and all my bills are paid on time
and all I live alone in peace and quiet
but what did it take to get here?
what sort of country did I have to travel through to reach this destination?
it hasn't been easy
I have always hated the Brady Bunch
because to me it was so far removed from reality that I could not relate
I grew up hating movies and shows about families with happy endings
life isn't like that, not for me
the Fox network to me was a godsend
Married With Children, and The Simpsons
and now Malcolm In The Middle and Arrested Development
finally shows about families which almost make mine feel "normal"
I grew up wanting to be nothing more than normal
because I thought normal people were happy
but I was weirdo, a freak, a geek, a nerd
I watched others as they tried to build a reputation as a weirdo or freak
and all I had to do was act naturally
open my mouth, voice an opinion
display intelligence or creative thinking
up until high school
my parents would be called into school
to meet with a teacher who wanted to discuss my personality disorder
whichever they perceived it to be that year
anti-social behavior was a popular diagnosis
random mood swings, severe depression, extreme manic behavior,
borderline split personality, pyromania, gambling, loan sharking, ice cream scalping,
production and distribution of obscene materials
the list of my social crimes grew quite long
but I was caught infrequently
and did not seem threatening enough to be taken seriously until high school
and by then all the kids were going crazy
and I had learned to become invisible
I don't even know why I am telling you all this
I feel compelled to explain myself
everyone tells me I'm such a nice guy
yeah, that and a hundred dollars gets me blown in Pahrump
yeah, I'm such a nice guy
but none bother to ask why I am the way I am
and those who know do their best to treat it lightly
recently a friend, when discussing how he had chosen to raise his now 12-year-old son
and how he swore that he would never strike his son,
quipped about how, on the other hand, my parents had beaten me
and look how nice I turned out to be
but random violence was only one factor in my equation
my education, my process of socialization
there was more than physical violence
there was severe psychological trauma
emotional violence and mind games
and sexual violation
my parents were young and confused themselves
and they passed that down to me
my father who could explode with rage, was a quiet man
almost absent entirely
he is still now learning how to express love and affection for his children
and my mother - well, I just don't have the time to explain
I think she has some sort of multiple personality disorder
she's been like five different people to me in my life
only one of them was kind and that is the one I latched onto
the one I tried to remember through it all
yes, my parents were not complete monsters
they were just people, scared and confused and not ready to have children
even now I rationalize and forgive away the past I was given
because my parents ocassionally remembered to show affection and practice love
they tried their best, from time to time
and yet I am still a disappointment
I drink too much dope and
I smoke too much booze and
I married a Filipino witch
but the point is
I will do almost anything to be moving forward
away from that past
the best thing about the past is that we can leave it there
retain the accumulated wisdom of lessons hard learned
and discard the rest as a the most horrible form of nostalgia
lead into gold, brother
lead into gold
rise from the ashes and
kick off your feet of clay
kick off a new day
kick off from the dock and sail away
never mind those gathering clouds
storms will come and
storms will go but
only the strong survive, brother
only the strong survive

- S. Marvin Tuomala, 2005